The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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