Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
