someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
