Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
