Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
