I wish my penis had an off switch
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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