U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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