shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
