Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Operation Purity has been aborted
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
