Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
