i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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