its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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