I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
