Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
