Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize