if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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