watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
