my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
