Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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