Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
