Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
