i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Operation Purity has been aborted
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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