Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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