I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
