Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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