I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
