can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
