$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
