If i come over, it means nothing
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
