New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
