I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
