as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
