I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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