Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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