Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
