: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
