Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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