The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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