and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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