True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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