I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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