oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish I only lived at night.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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