im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
