I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
