i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
