worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
