Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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