the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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