why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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