I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
