I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
