I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize