that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
