the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
