I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
