so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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