so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
