i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This baby is an asshole
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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