I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
is wine microwaveable?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
