The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
